Weekly Highlights from our Conservative Overlords

Weekly Highlights from our Conservative Overlords

Monday, May 9, 2011

Election Wrap-up - Oh dear...

Honestly, on election day, I did not think it was a possibility that the Conservatives would receive a majority government. I laughed at all the stupid polls. I imagined that somehow a previously ignored lost demographic (young people, either too poor to own a landline or too lazy or smart to answer it at 7PM on a weeknight) flooding polling stations in droves, ousting the Conservatives in the most unexpected election in Canadian History.

That didn't happen.

Looking back over the last few years, this seven year run of minority governments seems like the best decision Canadian voters have ever made. Why would anybody want to hand everything over to one party to do whatever they please? It seems crazy. What’s not to love about minorities?

But here we are. We now face four years in which the Conservatives can do whatever they please. We soon will not recognize this country. We’ve taken our first step onto a slippery cliff face. In four years time, after we've tumbled into the abyss, we’re not going to remember what this country looked like and we won’t have perspective on what we lost.

To counter this, I am going to do my very best to create a weekly record of Harper's wonderful progress. In four years time, when your son has to spend the next 10 years in jail for smoking a joint, your daughter has to pay the veterinarian down the street to give her an abortion, and you have to go through an RCMP background check to get connected to the Internet, you’re going to have this wonderful resource to look back on all the awesome things that have happened.

“Expect the best, prepare for the worst” is how the saying goes. Best case, a kindler, gentler Stephen Harper emerges and this website fizzles out in 6 months time. Worst case, after Fox News Canada moves in to the vacated CBC building downtown, after a mutant sub-species of oil resistant Canadian Geese emerge from a hole in Northern Alberta, and after New and Improved Public Health Care (a private company) rejects your claim for knee surgery based on pre-existing conditions (ummm...you checked the box here where it says you used it to walk)…well…worst case we’ll have had four years to get our shit together to not completely screw things up again. Thanks a lot, Ontario.

This is the first posting of what will hopefully be a limited-run website. We’ll have years to talk about crazy policy decisions, so today we’re going to focus on the “best” of the election campaign. Here goes:

Conservative Election Campaign Roundup

Helena Guergis – Look at what this guy does to his friends! At first, this appeared to be a gift from heaven in Conservative embarrassment (Hookers! Cocaine! Nipples!). But then, in a patented Stephen Harper create-your-own-lemons-and-then-deny-that-lemons-exist-and-then-use-the-lemons-for-your-own-political-gain move, it turns out that there weren’t any hookers and/or blow, that somehow, amazingly, the driving force behind the whole sordid affair and leak seemed to be Harper himself, who then he refused to discuss the whole thing or even say the name “Guergis”. And nobody cared. Remarkable.

Chuck Strahl’s Son – In Chilliwack, you could dress a street lamp up as your Conservative Candidate and it would get elected. So, in a less than above-board process, Chuck Strahl gift-wrapped the replacement nomination for his son, handing him a spot in the House of Commons. Even the Conservatives thought something was fishy, which is really saying something. To top it all off, he then ducked an all-candidates meetings and skipped out on a few interviews. Why jeopardize a sure thing by actually talking? Probably knocked a good 2-3 points off the pitiful 57.2% of the vote he received. Way to hold him accountable, Chilliwack-Fraser Canyon.

Facebookgate – I know that everybody knows all about this, but in four years time nobody is going to believe that this was possible and we're all going to chalk it up to a fault in our collective memories. Or this is just the first step in government mandated Facebook updates and the creation of the new Facebook Monitoring Ministry. Either way, we're going to want some sort of un-tainted memory. To re-cap, a girl was thrown out of a Stephen Harper rally for posting a picture of herself with Michael Ignatieff. I can’t even keep pace with my friend’s steady stream of baby photos but Stephen Harper has a team large enough to sort through the Facebook sites of all the people attending his rallies?

Wai Young/Ujjal Dosanjh – At first, I thought this whole thing might just be stirring the pot for the sake of pot stirring. But the more I think about it, the more awesome it seems. First up, you should have things together enough such that you don’t have suspected terrorists attending your campaign events. Hello! Bill Ayers, people! Has America taught us nothing? But if you do have suspected terrorists attending your events, at least have the decency to put some sort of consistency in to your explanation/question dodging. But why bother coming up with a coherent or fact based answer when the whole thing is going to result in a backlash against your opponent and an election victory?! Amazing.

But in a turn of awesomeness, Ujjal is being sued by said accused terrorist and is happily going to take the whole thing to court in an effort to get some sort of truth into the public record. Ya, sounds like exactly the sort of courageous and principled action we want to avoid in Parliament, right South Vancouver?

Harper Question Dodging – And really, the whole thing in a nutshell…Stephen Harper refuses to take questions from the media. Sorry. Refuses to take more than five questions. But come to think of it, five questions is a lot in one day. For somebody that wants to be Prime Minister.

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